i’m going to start publishing my crazy dark thoughts that i have when i experience an episode. i really just want to express myself, and i realize pretty shortly thereafter that I make no sense and that life is not that bad. most importantly, i want people to know how i feel, and why sometimes i’m a bad friend or a confusing person.
i’m beginning to see that not only do I feel like I am alone, but i am actually alone. the people i feel closet to, are the furthest from me. and even these people i “feel close to”, would they sacrifice anything for me? would they drive 3 hours if i said i was going to jump in front of a bus unless they came? no.
the only person on earth who has made any kind of sacrifice, and would continue to do so is my mother. bless her. bless her, but the reality of my mother being the only person who would make a sacrifice for me is pretty depressing.
so why do i expect my friends to make sacrifices for me? obviously the only organisms on earth that would alter their lives to make mine better are my family members and my dog (if he could) `…. this MUST mean that i am utterly unworthy of anyone’s extra effort! nobody cares! i do not warrant that kind of attention from others.
my blood relatives are bound to me by just that, blood. the biological drive to care about someone. but there is obviously NOTHING about me that would cause any human being to want to love me at all. there is nothing about me that stimulates a deep intellectual, emotional response and therefore i am destined to this life of constant yearning, disappointment, and self-loathing.